Can you be Nonbinary and Pansexual and Polyamorous?│LGBTQ+ Self-Acceptance
Can You Be Polyamorous and Pansexual and Nonbinary?
Exploring Identity Beyond the Binary
What’s the difference between gender and sex?
What is non-binary? What does nonbinary mean? What is agender?
Can you be polyamorous and pansexual? Yep! And in fact, if you’re me, you can be both AND ALSO be nonbinary! That’s right, ya’ll. I’m gay in all directions, I’m potentially interested in EVERYONE, and yet somehow, I’m still single! You guys, I share these personal things because I never had a role model like myself, and if sharing my experience helps someone out there understand themselves better, then that’s why I do what I do. Today we are exploring identity beyond the binary.
In this episode, you’ll discover what being “nonbinary” means, and I’ll share about my personal experience as a nonbinary person who is also polyamorous and pansexual. That’s right, I am potentially open to dating just about any type of person, and yet I am still single! That’s right, ladies. Let’s talk about it.
So I want to preface this with the disclaimer that I am NOT an expert on any of these topics by any means. While my Yoga and Ayurveda training does include a lot of psychology, physiology, and neuroscience, I am not in any way claim to be a licensed therapist or a mental health professional. I always encourage just about everyone to work with a qualified professional therapist! I AM a holistic health, lifestyle, and wellness educator, and a HUGE NERD who has spent countless hours consuming podcasts, audiobooks, and scholarly YouTube videos that explore human sexuality, psychology of relationships, and gender.
A couple of episodes back, I shared a vulnerable episode about being bisexual and you guys really resonated with it. Identifying as queer in any way, but especially as being non-binary or transgender, requires a lot of self-awareness and understanding of someone’s own inner world. This level of self awareness can take a long time to reach, depending on a person’s temperament and type of social conditioning and how they personally chose to interact with that conditioning. This is not a judgement on anyone’s character! We all have our own process, and can’t always control our circumstances.
In a way, it’s like a next evolution of the human mind, or at least that's my theory. One way I've come to understand my own experience is that queerness feels like part of humanity's ongoing evolution in how we understand identity. My personal spiritual theory is That queerness and transness is a continuation of the human mind's evolution, beyond gender.
In yoga philosophy, we understand that these bodies are our vehicle, but they are not WHO we are. We say that our higher self is the one who is observing the body and observing even the mind. So you are not your thoughts either. You are not your mind. In yoga philosophy, you are your higher self - the who that observes all of that. Who has no gender, or could be any gender because that, that higher self that sits back and observes, exists in everyone else, everywhere, in every bit of consciousness.
Every tree, every animal has that same conscious awareness. Humans have consciousness and intuition. We also have a very strong mind, and our human minds love to make things more complicated then they need to be. Our egos also cause a lot of violence, destruction, trauma, and trouble. If the earth is a “soul school,” then we could even say that understanding queerness and our gender identity and sexuality is a part of the curriculum. That's where the spiritual component comes in.
This episode is really about self-inquiry. Yoga invites us to ask "Who am I?" beyond the stories society gives us. The various LGBTQ+ identities become examples of that deeper spiritual practice to return to the central Yogic question “Who am I, really?” Who am when I stop defining myself by what the world expects me to be? The labels nonbinary, pansexual, polyamorous and so forth are all an expression of that inquiry. Whether you're cis, trans, binary, nonbinary, questioning, or something you've never found a word for... Yoga begins from the premise that your deepest Self is already whole.
What does being nonbinary mean? What’s the difference between gender and sex?
Okay okay, so to answer “what is being nonbinary?” we have to first explain, what is the difference between gender and sex? Is gender a noun or a verb? Is it a thing that we are, a thing that we do, or both? Is gender a mythical creature?
Oh how I yearn for days gone by, when jobs were still mandating DEI sensitivity training! Far right propaganda these days really has people flinching at the mere mention of pronouns, like a 3rd grader who had played Mario Cart for three hours the night before, when their language arts teacher tells the class to hand in last night’s homework for grading.
Seriously though, word on the street is that a person’s SEX describes their biology and physical body. Meanwhile, gender describes our identity, how we relate to our bodies, to others in relationships, and to the social constructs of gender roles. Some people emphasize that gender is socially constructed, particularly the expectations and roles our culture attaches to masculinity and femininity. gender identity and gender roles. There is a mainstream narrative in queer circles that “gender is ONLY a social construct,” a performance enforced by the capitalistic patriarchy which benefits from strict gender roles and so-called “traditional family values.” Hear me out, here.
While I definitely agree that gender ROLES are social constructs which can be very oppressive, I believe that trans and nonbinary people are BORN THIS WAY and therefore need physical and often medical accommodations to improve their condition. You see, to say that gender is solely based on socialization and not rooted in biology is a slippery slope that could be used to undermine transgender folx’ access to gender affirming medical interventions! After all, it’s so much easier to dismiss a trans person’s suffering as “it’s all in your head” if queer people themselves are also saying that “gender is ONLY a social construct!” Many transgender and nonbinary people identify as queer not only in regard to their gender expression, but also in regard to their sexual orientation. The current scientific consensus is that both likely arise from a complex interaction of biological, developmental, and environmental factors rather than any single cause. Both gender identity and sexual orientation appear to arise from a complex mix of biology, prenatal development, psychology, and lived experience. Scientists still don't have a single explanation—and honestly, neither do I.
But regardless, It’s easy to see why, cis or trans, we ALL love our gender-affirming hormone therapy! AND why being on hormones does not actually affect our gender. Did you know that most gender-affirming care is actually used by cisgender people? A cisgender woman is still a woman regardless of whether she is menstruating, or if her body has gone through menopause and has therefore ceased making estrogen. A transgender woman is still a woman whether she takes external estrogen or not. However, many trans women report feeling like themselves for the first time ever when they started to take estrogen. Similar to how a peri menopausal cisgender woman’s body craves estrogen, a trangender woman’s body craves estrogen. Both feel better and more like themselves when their hormones are in balance. Many transgender women describe finally feeling at home in their bodies after beginning estrogen therapy.
Ok, so sex = male or female = refers to body parts. Lingo moment - when we say “sex assigned at birth” this is what we mean. AMAB stands for “assigned male at birth” and AFAB stands for “assigned female at birth.” And sex is, in fact, assigned, rather than simply observed. This is because somewhere around 1% of the human population are born intersex, meaning that they have natural variations in hormones, chromosomes, and/ or anatomy that may result in physically ambiguous genitalia or significant sexual anatomy variations. Intersex people are often “assigned” M or F.
Then what about gender? Is it a thing that we are, or a thing that we do, or both? Seriously, can you guys actually tell me? Because I’m honestly not sure if I’m qualified to speak on this topic. It really is much harder to define than sex! Sometimes my gender truly does feel like a mythical creature! I feel like mermaids and centaurs are both very trans mythical creatures. What do you guys think? Some days my gender is Smeagol, other days my gender is Gollum. My Precious!
So okay, for the purposes of this discussion, let’s say that gender is a binary spectrum, with one pole being masculine and the other being feminine. The dominant cultural narrative is to associate the feminine end of the spectrum with being a “woman” and having a female body, and the masculine end of the spectrum with being a “man” and having a male body. So, a cisgender man is someone who is born male and identifies as a man. A cisgender woman is someone who is born female and identifies as a woman.
Then there are binary transgender folks, who identify with the opposite side of the gender spectrum from what would be socially expected. So, transgender men who are born female but identify with the gender of man. And transgender women are born male but identify with the gender of woman. Remember, this is equally true and valid regardless of whether a person has taken any steps to medically or physically transition their sex, because sex and gender are separate things.
For me, having a non-binary gender identity means that I feel my gender is right in the center of the two poles on that masculine-feminine spectrum. I feel equally masculine and feminine, and if my outward appearance perfectly matched my inward energy, then I would appear very androgynous. As androgynous as I feel, the outside world still sees me as a woman and generally treats me as such. This incongruence creates gender dysphoria, which improved with going on T.
I agree with the idea that gender is a spectrum, mostly because of my lived experience as a nonbinary person. Furthermore, I tend to see everything in life and the human experience as a spectrum - masculine and feminine, gay and straight, polyamorous and monogamous. And I pretty much fall right into the middle of all of those.
From a Yogic perspective, the entire multiverse is made up of “binary structures” such as day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, up and down, left and right, here and there, Shiva and Shakti. But Yoga means union, and the final stages in the process of Yoga involve becoming ONE with everything in and beyond this material realm.
Consider the Yin/ Yang Symbol. There is darkness within the light, and light within the darkness. Both halves are equal, and both need the other to be completed. So they only appear to be two - to be binary - but really, they are one. In my humble opinion, THIS “oneness” IS THE SPECTRUM!!!
So what is being non-binary, exactly?
Let me clarify that in sharing my own truth, I cannot and do not claim to speak for the entire trans, nonbinary, or LGBTQ+ community on this. The only experience that I can accurately share is my own.
While I personally am non-binary in the sense of having “all the gender,” meaning that most of the time I tend to feel simultaneously very masculine and very feminine… Some folks are agender, meaning that they feel genderless. They don’t identify with either side of the spectrum necessarily, and they are also non-binary. There are still other non-binary people who may identify closer to one side of the spectrum than the other, or whose gender identity feels more fluid.
Attempting to list all the possible ways that a person can be non-binary would keep us here awhile. There’s no “wrong” or “right” way, and no end goal to reach here, and each enby has their own unique experience. So if you know any and have proven yourself a safe person for them, just ask them if they’re open to sharing more about their experiences. When interacting with both nonbinary and binary trans folx, it is kind to remain open-minded and validate their experiences, even if you can’t personally relate. You don’t have to fully understand someone else’s perspective in order to be respectful!
Your identity isn't a test you pass. It's a relationship you cultivate. The goal isn't to collect labels. The goal is to know yourself deeply enough that the labels, if you choose them, simply become useful language. Many non-binary people may appear on the outside to align with typical gender expression and choose not to take any medical interventions to alter their appearance. Because these people “look cisgender,” there is an underlying idea that being non-binary is “made up” or “not a real thing.” At least, not “real” in the same way as a binary trans person, who takes hormones and completely alters their outward appearance through surgery to align with the typical gender expression of their identification. I should also mention that binary trans folx and nonbinary folx tend to see this entire subject very differently due to our range of experiences!
I go by they/ them pronouns. I rarely wear makeup or paint my nails, and I have a head shaved. 90% of the time you can find me wearing the comfiest pair of sweat pants possible, beat up doc martens, and a hoodie or cut off tshirt. I don’t use purses, just a fanny pack or a backpack. Nothing about my actual gender expression is overly feminine. But my body is. Binding my breasts does not do much to alter their appearance because they are large. Even while wearing all-male clothing, I get misgendered by people referring to me as “she” and “girl.” Both cisgender people and fellow queer people assume my gender and lump me in with women as a whole. Depending on the context, this is frustrating at best, and can cause a great deal of gender dysphoria and discomfort at worst. I have been on low dose T for 1.5 years, it’s helped a lot.
I’ve heard some people express that they feel members of the trans or LGBTQ+ community are “difficult” or “overly sensitive.” Please keep in mind that for someone who suffers from gender dysphoria, there are few options to alleviate their discomfort and the world is often cruel. So if you know someone who identifies as transgender or nonbinary, please be kind and just respect their pronouns. It takes nothing away from you to do so, and it harms no one - it just requires a little bit more effort to change your habits and be mindful. But for the trans person, this small effort can go a long way!
What does it mean to be pansexual? Share my personal experience as a nonbinary person who is pansexual.
Okay, so we've talked about sex and gender. Now let's talk about attraction, which is a totally different thing.
Pansexuality is one of those words that sounds intimidating until you actually break it apart. The prefix “pan” comes from the Greek word meaning "all." So a pansexual person is someone whose capacity for attraction isn't limited by another person's gender. Now... that doesn't mean I'm attracted to everyone.
Being pansexual doesn't mean having no standards. It doesn't mean finding every human being attractive. It simply means that gender isn't the deciding factor for me. For me personally, attraction begins with someone's energy.
Their kindness, sense of humor, curiosity, and emotional maturity. Are they authentic? Honest? Confident? Compassionate? Are they the kind of person who lights up a room just by walking into it and making everyone else feel seen? Those are the things that make me notice someone. Bodies are rarely the first thing that captures my attention.
As a nonbinary person, I've spent years questioning society's assumptions around gender, so naturally my attraction doesn't revolve around gender either. My brain doesn't automatically sort people into little boxes labeled "men" and "women" before deciding whether attraction is possible. It's almost like meeting another soul before meeting their gender.
Some people use the word bisexual, others use pansexual, and some people use both interchangeably. Neither word is better than the other. They simply resonate differently for different people. Historically, bisexual has often meant attraction to more than one gender, while pansexual emphasizes that gender itself isn't a limiting factor. Plenty of bisexual people also experience attraction regardless of gender, and plenty of pansexual people feel comfortable under the bisexual umbrella. Language evolves, and identities are deeply personal. For me, pansexual just feels the most accurate.
It reminds me of something Yoga teaches over and over again: beneath all the labels, all the bodies, all the costumes we wear in this lifetime, there is consciousness, awareness, spirit. If every human being carries the same divine spark, then it doesn't seem strange to me that I would fall in love with that spark, regardless of the vessel it's currently wearing.
What Does It Mean to Be Polyamorous?
In a similar vein, I feel a lot of love for a lot of people. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give. And, as discussed in my biphobia episode, I desire multiple partners because I like both sides of the spectrum. Let's stir the pot just a little bit more.
Because being pansexual doesn't automatically mean someone is polyamorous. And being polyamorous definitely doesn't automatically mean someone is pansexual. These are completely separate parts of identity again: sexuality vs relationship style.So what exactly is polyamory?
The word literally means "many loves." Polyamory is the practice of openly and ethically maintaining more than one romantic relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
The important words there are ethical and consensual; Polyamory is not cheating. Cheating involves deception.
Polyamory requires communication. Lots of communication. Honestly... probably more communication than most monogamous relationships!
Healthy polyamorous relationships depend on honesty, boundaries, emotional maturity, and accountability.
Does that mean every polyamorous relationship is healthy? Of course not, just like not every monogamous relationship is healthy. Relationship structure doesn't magically make people emotionally mature.
For me personally, discovering polyamory wasn't about collecting partners like Pokémon cards. It wasn't because one person could never be "enough."
We've been taught that love is finite—that if I love one person deeply, I somehow have less love available for someone else. But that's not how most of us experience love anywhere else in life. If you have two children, loving the second doesn't reduce your love for the first. If you make a second close friend, your first friendship doesn't suddenly disappear.
Our capacity for connection often expands. Now, romantic relationships obviously involve different dynamics than friendships or family. Time, energy, and emotional bandwidth are real resources. That's why healthy polyamory isn't about saying "yes" to everyone. It's about being radically honest about what you're actually capable of offering.
At this point in my life, I'm actually single, Which I know is objectively hilarious. Somehow the nonbinary, pansexual, polyamorous yoga teacher... has zero partners. But identifying as polyamorous doesn't mean I'm required to be dating multiple people all the time. It's simply the relationship philosophy that feels most aligned with my values.
For me, it's about believing that love doesn't have to be controlled through exclusivity to be meaningful. It's about choosing honesty over assumptions and communication over ownership. Freedom over fear.
Now, I also want to be really clear that Polyamory isn't "more evolved” and Monogamy isn't "less spiritual." Neither relationship structure is inherently better, they're simply different. Some people thrive in monogamous partnerships, and others thrive in ethical non-monogamy. The question is: Which one allows you to show up with the most integrity?
Because Yoga isn't asking us to become someone else. It's asking us to become more deeply ourselves. And for me, that journey has led beyond a lot of binaries — not just my gender expression, or sexual attraction, but also the stories our culture tells about how relationships are "supposed" to look.
Whether someone is monogamous or polyamorous, gay or straight, cisgender or transgender, what matters most is building relationships rooted in honesty, compassion, mutual respect, and that starts with self-love. And I think that's a spiritual practice worth pursuing, no matter who you are. Maybe none of these labels describe you. Maybe they describe your child, your sibling, your coworker, or someone you'll meet tomorrow. If this episode helps you love that person a little better, then I'm glad you're here!!!
Reflection Invitation: Where do you see this in yourself? If any of this resonated with you, gave you some insight, or if you identify as queer, trans, or non-binary yourself, I would love to hear from you in the comments.
To summarize, in this episode we unpacked the difference between “sex” and “gender,” to help explain what being “nonbinary” means. Then I shared more about my specific experience as a pansexual and nonbinary person. I hope that this episode has given you some insight into your own identity and awareness of how easy it can be to interact respectfully with transgender, nonbinary, and other gender nonconforming people. Finally, we discussed what it means to be polyamorous, and how that factors into my lifestyle and identity as a pansexual and nonbinary person. Yep, you can in fact be all three things! You can in fact have non-labely labels, if that tickles your fancy. Your identity isn't a test you pass. It's a relationship you cultivate. The goal isn't to collect labels. The goal is to know yourself deeply enough that the labels, if you choose them, simply become useful language.
Thank you for tuning in, and until next time — let’s stay connected, and stay witchy. I’ll talk to you soon, and blessed be. With all my love, Lee Devi.
Thank you, dear one, for reading my reflection. If any of this has resonated with you, given you some insight, or if you identify as queer, trans, or non-binary yourself, I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Until next time.
ॐ
With all my love,
Lee Devi
